The old fart’s top news story today is about the global shortages of food and supplies as a result of the Coronavirus outbreak. Now, whether a very real threat or not, the Coronavirus caused Canada’s federal Health Minister, Patty Hajdu, to suggest people consider stockpiling food and medicine. “It’s really about, first of all, making sure that you do have enough supplies so if someone in your family becomes ill, if you yourself become ill, that you have what you need to survive for a week or so without going outside,” she said. And people didn’t listen to a damn word she said. Instead they caused a very real retail run on other merchandise as the public rushed out and stockpiled what they considered to be essential supplies.
Stockpile What Is Needed To Survive
But, before people went off buying stuff willy-nilly, they’d have been real wise to have considered the nature of the threat. You see, some viruses primarily affect the gastrointestinal (stomach) system, causing nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and such. Others, like the Coronavirus, primarily affect the lungs and sinuses. Common signs of infection include respiratory symptoms, fever, cough, shortness of breath and breathing difficulties. In more severe cases, infection can cause pneumonia, severe acute respiratory syndrome, kidney failure and even death.
Coronavirus Primarily Affects The Lungs And Sinuses
So, given the respiratory nature of the Coronavirus, it’s understandable that people might garner supplies of decongestants, soap, vaporubs, hand sanitizers, general sanitizers (bleach,etc.), and Kleenex to protect themselves and aid recovery. Buying soups and easy to prepare foods would also make sense. But, rather than make the aforementioned survival priorities, people chose to purchase large quantities of paper to keep their pooper chutes in pristine condition.
People Fighting Over Toilet Paper
Yep, I reckon the general public has gone right off the damn deep end, and way beyond sanity. You see, instead of getting the things they needed to weather out this illness, things like food, medicines, Kleenex and such, people are damn near killing each other over toilet paper! And the logic escapes me, because they worry about their ass when their nose is running, and their coughing seems to fill them with a fear of soiling their shorts. I know, WTF eh?
Do They Know Something Others Don’t?
Now have I missed something, or do they know something that I don’t? Have they started teaching kids in school to cover their anus when they sneeze, and to wipe their ass when they cough? Do people now hang strips of butt wipe in doorways to prevent the disease from entering? Are the faithful taught to hold rolls of the sacred white papyrus before them like crucifixes to ward off evil viruses? Do they fashion protective hats out of it, not to stop aliens from controlling their minds, but to stop the virus from coming near their ass?
Supernatural Anti-Viral Properties
Is toilet paper the latest and greatest homemade face mask material? Do folks do spiritual smudges with holy and sanctified ass wipe to protect them from illness? Does the poop paper have supernatural anti-viral properties? Do the fearful keep baskets of it on their dressers and night stands? And, given its obvious but mysterious new importance, should I now be considering who to leave my toilet paper to in my will? Well, whatever there is to it, there sure as heck must be some darn thing about toilet paper, because the surge in demand for that one particular commodity has seen supermarket shelves stripped bare internationally.
Thieves Pulled A Toilet Paper Heist
In Sydney, Australia, the nation’s largest city, racks of toilet paper cleared in minutes, forcing one chain to enforce a four-pack buying limit. Police were even called to a dispute between panicked shoppers, with reports saying that a knife was pulled out as they argued over butt wipe. Shops in Japan, the US and New Zealand have also run low on the precious sanitary rolls. And in Hong Kong, ambitious thieves held up a supermarket to steal an entire delivery. Closer to home, a Costco in Markham, Ontario told Global News that they sold out of toilet paper, paper towels and bottled water within hours.
Paper Towels And Bottled Water Hoarded Too
So…. let me do my best to wrap my head around this… instead of buying medicines, food and juices, crowds of fearful fools fled to stores to hoard shit sheets? And, not only that, they decided to also hoard paper towels and water too? I guess maybe so they can keep themselves hydrated as they clean up any rogue poop that might get way from them? Or, maybe there’s remarkable nutritional value in paper products that I’m unaware of? Now the motivation for such stupification is right beyond the comprehension of this old fart, who ain’t all that smart, because I just can’t see how in hell them butt heads are going to wipe their way to health.
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